Some people say “home is where family is” others say “your home is where you are with the people that you care about“. But I feel as though those statements are just problematic. Because what happens when the family “that makes a house a home“, just doesn’t? What happens when the people you care about just don’t as much? What happens when all you’re trying to do is run away from this home?

Are you supposed to just abandon this home, along with all of those who abandoned you? Or are you supposed to stay inside this home and watch as the feeling of insufficiency eats you up from the inside, just because you have to show them what they were not to you? How are you supposed to make all these decisions while constantly running away from them?

Sometimes while in the midst of all of this, we forget that leaving all these people that “care” there is another person being neglected and not taken care of. Usually it’s very late when we notice this somebody. This somebody is you, this somebody felt used, betrayed and angry. So now, this little inner you starts to hate YOU.

The home you were trying to save was always just on fire and the one you were trying to find was always here with you. And suddenly, you feel the fire of the burning house being transferred to your actual home. And now along with deciding how to save your home, you’re also trying to save yourself. At this point you have so much on your plate, that you just want to throw it away.

You start running from the people that care about you, the home YOU always wanted and the burning house and all of them inside it. You are now used to this feeling of constantly being around the fire. So wherever you go, you make a neat and tidy little ball of fire from within and you start throwing it around yourself, wherever you go. Not realizing the way it scares everyone, including you, away, the way it doesn’t let anyone come near your home.

So now you’re just stuck, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to move and especially not knowing where “home” is.